Singapore Ahoy: D&A

Looking to Mohali

2011-03-28T17:16:00.002+08:00

Ok. It’s a World Cup semi final against Pakistan. It’s not f’n war! It’s not about history or Prime Ministers or soldiers or bureaucrats.

Having said that, it’s a WORLD CUP SEMI FINAL. Against PAKISTAN.

Some points that I don’t quite know why I am trying to make:

To self: it’s going to be tense. Deal with it.

To team and fate: PLEASE, please bat first.

Talk rationally. Or emotionally. Or both. But don’t joke. Nothing’s funny on Wednesday, I can tell you that right now. No, not even Munaf Patel.

I understand that booing is part of sport. I don’t agree with it but I accept it. I cringed a few times when Ponting was booed. But that was Ricky. To Mohali: Please don’t boo the Big Green Men on Wednesday. That will not be cool.

I can’t watch it in a pub. Scars from 2003 remain. Also, I don’t want to watch it in a pub.

Don’t expect ANY work to get done.

I am struggling to think about the match. What is at stake and potential after-effects derail any normal thought processes that begin.

To Mohali: back the team. Cheer when it’s tough, not only for runs and wickets. Focus on the game.

Don’t. Give Up.

To everyone: Don’t get tense. Ignore me in point #1.

March 24

2011-03-27T01:07:00.009+08:00

It has been a whirlwind few days. The upshot is that Wednesday evening to Saturday morning spanned four cities for each of D & me, and neither of us are in the same city at the moment. These 60 hours or so included five flights, very little sleep, a ridiculously good meal and some unexpected quality time with friends. But most importantly, it included D & I being at the Sardar Patel Stadium in Motera, Ahmedabad to watch the World Cup quarter final between India and Australia!

Sorry but I have to do this : MUAHAHAHAAHAHA!

There, that done, let me now not get down to writing about that trip. Instead I will try to summarise it [it was a mental experience, the atmosphere was fantastic, we WON the game, our throats were hoarse and we are now in the semi finals of the World Cup], and promise to write about it in more detail later. Sound familiar?

A little bit of this and that...

2011-02-10T18:59:00.002+08:00

I see her almost every evening. Always dressed in shorts and a tshirt. Hair tied up. Playing football with the boys. I haven't once seen her get the ball. But it doesn't seem to deter her. She runs, this way and that. Breathless and sweaty. Sometimes I hear her laugh or shout. The boys mostly just ignore her. But she doesn't seem to bother.

A bit like me. Or rather how I used to be!

The scene reminds me of my evenings, growing up. Playing football with my brother and all the big colony boys. No one ever wanted me in their team. My brother used to get saddled with me... being my brother and all! Poor guy! I was allowed to throw a ball from the boundary line to someone. But that was mostly it. Didn't mean I didn't run after the ball. At some point it would get too dark to see the ball and we had to stop playing. But I had such a blast. In retrospect everything looks rosy. Maybe at the time I wasn't happy. Who knows.

I hope she is having fun though!

I am not working these days. Rather I haven't found a job yet. I have been looking only for a bit so I can't start getting all stressed about it. But time is passing a little too slowly for me these days.

I haven't pressed next even once on the iphone/ipod. Which I always do. I never like the song that comes on. But I was cooking and I told myself "Devika, for once, please, do not, DO NOT press next." And I didn't and I am glad. I even sat through (or rather cooked through!) Dave Matthews Band. And except for one or two songs I don't much care for him/them. Sad I know. But what to do.

I seriously don't know where life is going. I haven't been in this serious a state of limbo since... I don't know when. I will have to look at the archives to get a date! I don't even know if I am in the right profession. I even contemplated something completely different the other day. Walked into a "space" (I don't want to be specific!!) to find out if they were looking for people and they said "you need to have studied this, this and this." And since I hadn't done all of that I walked out. And then realised that it is not that simple to just switch what you do. You need to study. Possibly. And am not sure I want to make a one or two year commitment for something I am not even sure I want to do.

I would very much like to type some expletives here. But I won't.

I don't understand how can the people I know (read my best friends!) for almost 18 years not know my father's death anniversary. I find that very, very odd. I don't think I feel very bad about it. Because I still talk to them and do genuinely consider them my best friends. But I do wonder about it. This year, that day for me, was so odd. It was so regular that I was pissed off about it. Oh well.

There are these bottles I have been storing at home for the last year and a half, for a "project". Talk about procrastination. I am the Queen of procrastination. I know exactly what I want to do with them. But I don't do it. I can even picture what they will look like when I am done. I have visualised where we will place them. And how lovely they will look. But I haven't touched them. Wonder what will it take?

I have that written on a slate in the house, hoping it will make me break out of this... this... whatever, I seem to be stuck in.

I tire myself.
What a happy post.

Dissatisfaction & Doubt.

2010-08-06T17:04:00.003+08:00

I am never happy after a haircut. NEVER.

Sometimes, I shut my eyes as the scissors are going snip, snip, snip. And then I open my eyes... And some rather colourful language flows from between my lips.

Most times, I drive the hairdresser nuts with my constant tirade of "I like that. But I don't like that. And that drives me nuts. And can you make sure that doesn't happen. Will you make it interesting?" etc etc

I have been in a slightly drastic state of mind for a while. I wanted to do something odd to my hair. Something very very odd.

And now that I have my odd hairstyle I am dissatisfied and pissed off.

Drifting In

2010-07-26T12:42:00.002+08:00

I am back in the real world. Or is this the simulated fabric that envelops me, and is what I just returned from the real world? Out there on its own, not needing me, nor reaching out to me till I reach out to it?

I am back in this life, my life. It has taken me in again rather gently, I have to admit. A day and two nights to soften the blow of being back in office, yes. But the 'rude shock' has lasted a few days now. In Delhi, the traffic and the noise and the honking and the people were a jarring difference from where I had been. My mind largely zoned through my day in Delhi, smiling and talking my way through. The flight was neutral, like many flights turn out to be. Especially return flights. They are a non-space, neither here nor there- literally, and in the head. Neutral territories with movies and books and warm foil-covered food. Saturday evening was all silent and alone at home. I unpacked promptly and quickly (surprisingly). I vegetated. I can't seem to remember what I watched on TV though...

Sunday was more a 'real' day. D returned, filling the day with smiles. Then later, in the evening I was taken aback at how much of a jolt it was to step out of the house. The faces on the road seemed harsh and too many. I averted my eyes. The mall, its lights and stores and glitz seemed alien and unwelcoming. I picked up the shopping basket with a sigh. When I lifted a milk carton off the shelf, my shoulders sagged and I closed my eyes for a moment, the full import of reality and life bearing down on me.

Now I am at work. I am not spaced out, but I am drifting in a clear but viscous mass of normalcy.

Unknown Ahoy!

2010-07-12T21:42:00.002+08:00

I just walked out of home with a backpack on my, er, back; and a day backpack on my,um, front. I'm off for about 10days. It's the kind of trip some have assumed I have done before, just not for some time. Others are surprised-at times happily, at times befuddled- that I am doing it at all.
And all it is, is a trip alone.

I have a flight out to Delhi late at night. After some more woozy and erratic sleep (the world cup is over but normal sleep remains elusive) I shall be on a bus tomorrow evening. Overnight and in about 16 hours, it shall get me to Manali.
I have never been to Manali, nor to Spiti that I plan to go on to from there.

Old country, new places; familiar approach, unfamiliar companion.

See you on the other side.

Tonight

2010-07-07T19:25:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday D.

I am glad it made you show some love to this blog. Hope you had a good birthday eve and
as I sit here waiting for you and our friends at our favourite bar, I hope tonight is a blast!

Tomorrow...

2010-07-06T19:40:00.002+08:00

I turn 34.

I am not particularly excited about that. I am not a "I love birthdays" kind of person but last few years I seem to be turning more into a best friend that I have, as far as birthdays are concerned. She loves her birthday. Every year her birthday is an event. When we lived in the same city I could always feel myself getting swept up in that excitement and found myself feeling happy for me and for her!

But anyway - getting to the point. I don't usually get too excited about my birthday. But the 30s - I have loved. I loved turning 30. 31 was good too. 32 was fine. 33 was insane (I saw U2 live that day - yes. Thank you!) But 34 - just doesn't sound right.

I am of the firm belief that the 30s are the best years for women. I feel so much more myself in my 30s than I did in my 20s. My 20s were so angsty. I am still angsty. But more accepting of my angst. Which is good. I love who I want to love. I eat what I want to eat. I do what I want to do. The 30s are great - what is not to love.

But 34. Not sure about 34.

The other day a friend was talking about another friend's wedding. The friend who was getting married was "almost 40" Out of curiousity I asked - what is her exact age? I was told - 36. Thirty Six. 36!!!!! Not almost 40!!!!

Anyway. I ramble way too much for my own good.
I am turning 34. I am not excited.
But A.

A has been simply amazing about my birthday this year. I have gotten the best prezzies from him! Two pairs of footwear and seven tops / shirts and two pairs of shorts and one pair of jeans. I am such a materialistic shit :)

But I must admit the prezzies totally perked me up.
Ok I must leave now. Apparently I have to walk out of my office in 7 minutes.

Ko Lanta

2010-06-20T20:22:00.000+08:00

Quick thoughts on a quick getaway to Ko Lanta.

When: May 19-23, 2010.
Highlight: getting back on a scooter with D and rising around an island, stopping at beaches and bars and shops and massages. I felt free.

Flew into Phuket late night on Wednesday, stayed at Casa Brazil on Karon beach. We stayed here in 2008 as well for a couple of nights, and found it cute, cosy, clean, quiet and and inviting. Ok, no more alliteration.

We met a friend at 11pm, just as we got in. He rode from Phuket town where he stays to say Hi. We shared a few drinks, there were no places open for dinner anymore. The beginning of off season and the Bangkok troubles meant it was all pretty quiet. The same places we had seen alive and buzzing in December 2008 were shut now. Sang Soms done, we went back to our room for more chat.

Early morning we are picked up to go to Rasada Pier. Our journey to Ko Lanta is not going to be short.

The ferry sets off at 8.30, and we are at Phi Phi by 10.30. We must change ferries here, but there is a one hour wait. We pay the 20B each for the Phi Phi Island entry and say hello to it again. We had stayed here for a few days the previous trip. Its quieter, its hot, but the water is still as stunning. Mango shake, anyone?

on the ferry

Ko Lanta taken another hour from here, and our pickup has not arrived at the pier. A Thai couple who D asks about a public phone just make the call from the cell phone from us. A little while later we are on a make shift tuk tuk with two chatty young men. They drop us off at Nautilus, where we discover we are the only 2 people staying! I can’t see how thats a negative, especially considering we the get the best room, the one closest to the beach.

tuk tuk in ko lanta

our little corner of the island

Joom, the only one running the place right now, says its low season and they had a whole Danish group cancel on them because of the Bangkok trouble. Their cafe is shut so they wont serve us food, but luckily the place next door (about 15 steps from our room) is open. Its a family who runs its, husband, wife, mom, (young sister?). The first look at the sea, the first sight as I stretch my legs to ward the blue, the first sip of holiday beer...and I, predictably say, “This is the life.”

Killer spicy salad

at Kantiang Bay

We spend till Sunday in Ko Lanta. We rent a scooter, ride around, consume pleasant materials, eat absurdly spicy food and get absurd chilli rushes, drink some beer and SangSom, swim, read, talk, fool around, chill, get massages, meet an interesting French couple and their kid whose bar/cafe we spend time in, see some incredible sunsets, an approaching storm, a police ‘raid’ on a small local restaurant we are eating at, buy chappals....did I mention eat, consume, swim and get massaged?

afternoon storm

sunset at Phra Ae beach

the good ol' Sang Som bucket

Nui beach, which was all ours

Home alone...

2010-04-20T22:32:00.002+08:00

I don't like being home alone. I used to be ok with it. But am not. Clearly.
It has been a long time since I was by myself in this space without A. And I am not happy.

Having watched a horror movie a few months ago - does not help. But I must be a grown up. And I must get myself together. And not care about stuff that is not real.

Who the F*%$ decides that???????

My eyes are itchy.
I am a wee bit trashed.
"Lipstick Jungle" is on TV.
Best friends are not picking up the phone.

Life is not good.

60ml

2010-04-19T20:02:00.001+08:00

Overheard upon boarding flight to Mumbai : oye Double Black Label liya?

WTF is double black label???

- Posted from le iPhon

Home

2010-04-17T02:18:00.001+08:00

Thunder rumbles outside like a distant giant cargo train. Lightnigh flashes through the windows and the curtains in this dark room. I am about to sleep.

In just a few hours, in the wee morning, with the dull early light, D will come home after a month.

The house has missed her.

Back in the +65

2010-04-11T12:52:00.000+08:00

I just got back from a work trip to India, and I've been submerged in work. But I kinda like it. There is so much to do that I don't feel like doing nothing at all. That's a good thing.

I just got back from a work trip to India. I was there for ten days, which was longer than usual. It was also less hectic than usual, but some random low grade fever and body ache reduced prospects. I did, though, spend some 'quality time' (read not only drinking time) with a few friends, talked quite a bit and had the bonus of D popping over for a couple of days from Delhi! AND I squeezed in an IPL match too- a visit to the Brabourne to pay respects to SRT. It was a bit of a tamasha, but fun. A couple of pitchers at Cafe Mondegar's immediately after made it a cool evening.

I just got back from a work trip to India, and as usual I had moments I felt like "such an NRI"- primarily when we went to Lamdmark (as I always do) and bought a pile of books, then FabIndia for home stuff and shirts.

I just got back from a work trip to India, and very unusually I also got some reading done there. I finished the last part of Allah Is Not Obliged, started and finished Dork, read a few pieces in Mother Pious Lady, and on my last evening started The Girl Who Played With Fire. I've devoured it as much as work has allowed (and then some, meaning much sleep deprivation), and I finished today.

I just got back from a work trip to India, and the dick taxi drivers here still drive in spasms.

- Posted from le iPhone

afterscreen

2010-03-12T00:54:00.001+08:00

If D & I go see a film, it sucks to end up not talking about it after.

Cleansession

2010-02-28T15:23:00.000+08:00

D is watching a show called 'Cleanaholics'. I think she's getting emotional. :)

Sunday dinner

2010-02-22T00:15:00.000+08:00

Flat

2010-02-17T19:00:00.002+08:00

Do long weekends recharge or discharge?

D

2010-02-15T16:17:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I look at D and wonder, "man, how did I get so lucky?"

QSS

2010-02-04T01:57:00.001+08:00

When you plan, chart out a course, draw a map... that's precisely when life wakes, just to show you exactly who's in charge.
In case you're wondering, it isn't you.

Sunday night

2010-02-01T02:02:00.001+08:00

How clearly the week lies before you, how unlikely it is to be that way.

- Posted from le iPhone

Madness & Love...

2010-01-20T15:49:00.001+08:00

Can the two exist together?

Going where you can't

2010-01-07T00:44:00.001+08:00

Saw an LP article link on a list of places one would like to go to...places that don't exist. Before clicking through I jotted a few of mine that came to mind...

The Shire
Myst
Pandora
Gondolin
Lothlorien
Killimooin

Now, on to that link:
http://lonelyplanet.com/travel-tips-and-articles/42/28288

- Posted from le iPhone

2010-01-05T01:03:00.002+08:00

Happy 2010.

Gadgetpur

2009-12-27T14:42:00.002+08:00

What a year it has been for gadgets. Correct that; it's been a crazy quarter. Wait, it's been a cool two months actually. It was one weekend in October, just before Diwali, that a shiny 42" plasma tv was ushered into the house. D was surprised, she didn't quite know we were getting one, and had no clue I had gone and ordered the thing! She had, after all, just gotten back from malacca an hour ago.

Saturday segued into Sunday. After initially ruining D's plans for a belated gift, we both stepped out. It had been many weeks and numerous vists to their site, but now I finally found tiny little Qisahn in Far East Plaza. No, I think that's Far East Mall. It was all very quick, even unglamorous. No glitzy shop, no shiny bag, no smooth sales assistant. But it was still a brand new Playstation 3 Slim.
The games were great ( I only played GTA IV for many weeks, though with not too many playing hours) and the console becoming a media player has been a Huge plus.
Then December rolled around. Apple decided finally to be polygamous with it's mobile device. My service provider launched the phone on Dec 9. Amazingly, they had it home delivered that night (albeit at 11.30pm!). I have never been one for fancy phones, but this is something else altogether. Aptly, I'm writing this on the phone (admittedly over many days).

2009 Q4. Wow.

Warmth

2009-12-24T22:53:00.001+08:00

Seeing the love around you for that which you love is wonderful.

A trifle

2009-12-24T01:01:00.001+08:00

I realise I have spent the better part of my life saying troofle not
truhffle, for truffle.
Hmmm.

Touch me not...

2009-12-10T15:47:00.002+08:00

As kids we used to look for this weed called "touch me not" out in parks and gardens around the house. Just so that we could touch it and watch its leaves fold over and close.

I loved the way it would just go into this flat little green thing. Not looking like a leaf at all.

I feel like that right now. Like a "touch me not" weed.

I feel sorry for the people around me.

sachurday

2009-10-04T18:02:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, in between a plumber replacing a broken geyser and MTR's upma, I used the entire afternoon to watch Entourage Season 1. We've seen it before, of course, but a while back, last year sometime maybe. Perked me up. A few more chapters of the book I was reading (and have since finished), a 15 minute nap and then a night of diwali cards. It was the worst taash session. Almost. It was at my boss's place, and the stakes there are higher (much higher) than what we play with (which is a comfortable 10cents/20cents!). Out of the 9 people playing, I was the only one who did not win a SINGLE hand all night. Steady stream of chips going away. Then, like a nice plotline getting tied up at the end, I won a bit in the last hand of the night. I was still down overall, but the fact that I had won at least the one hand, felt better.

I had a Laphroaig to celebrate.

happy returns

2009-10-01T00:55:00.003+08:00

I can't quite remember the last time I was alone on my birthday.

It was probably about 7-8 years ago, maybe. Can't really say. I remember once many many years ago, I was home alone. The next day was a Hindi exam- mid-terms I presume. I couldn't be taken out for dinner, naturally, as the paper beckoned. That's what we usually did- went out for dinner as a family. Rarely did we have parties (big or otherwise); the four of us just went out for Indian or Chinese or, in the earlier days, Nirula's. So this one birthday I had an exam, my parents had a rare dinner to go for and my brother was either out or had moved out (to b-school?) by then.
So it was just me, the occasional call, some boring Hindi studying, some minor self pity.

Today (the clocks tell me I mean yesterday but I have always told people its their birthday not just till 12, but till the are asleep) has been different. I went to work, where only one person knew it was my birthday, and that was fine by me. I got sms wishes and facebook wishes (not quite the crazy deluge because my FB profile does not show my birth date) and a few phone calls. I got one or two tentative queries whether there was a plan the evening. I hadn't made one, so there wasn't. Office largely emptied, I continued to do more work than I needed impendingly to do, replies to emails and facebook bits. I left, got myself a subway and came home to watch the cricket match(es). [Let's not go there, long story, thrilling but tragic end]. I stayed home, had a drink, ate, had many happy birthday conversations.

Does it sound a bit lonely and a bit sad? But I don't mean it to, because I wasn't and it wasn't. All through, D-who is away on work- sent me joy and smiles and song. She was, and is, freakishly busy, but managed to make me smile not just a few times but through the day, and on the inside.

What about wild, drunken celebrations, you say? We'll have a chance for that soon enough!

a mere few thousands

2009-09-30T23:56:00.002+08:00

This on a site for some thing :
"As we are searching live availability, prices can occasionally fluctuate. Please note that the price for this offer has increased by SGD 8962.22."

In any context, ....wtf???

Nothing really...

2009-09-25T22:31:00.002+08:00

1) I work like a bitch. Get exhausted beyond belief. Miss my husband like mad. And yet I continue to do what I do. I must really love my job. The thing is I don't think I do. But it has these moments. Few & far between. But it does. When everything is worth it.

2) I defnitely listen to less music than A but sometimes I tend to get immersed in certain pieces of music. Am not talking about what one listens to on CD or on the Ipod. Am talking about the music one uses as a soundtrack. There will always be this one track that will give me goose bumps. The kind of track that you want to play over and over again with the lights off.

3) I slept about 5 hours last night and yet I was bright and chirpy today.

4) I hate how sitting on the laptop all day can make you feel throwy up.

5) I hope I can stretch out this weekend before a crazy 3 month work schedule starts.

6) I love looking at photos.

7) This wasn't supposed to be a list. But I am not surprised at all that it has turned into one. Lists make me happy.

8) I am in KL again. No cable TV here so I watch movies. I carried "Gone with the wind" with me and I have watched it in bits and pieces. I love it. Feel like reading the book again.

ok that's it really. It was supposed to be nothing after all.

Dirty Dancing...

2009-09-15T16:02:00.002+08:00

I was in school when I saw "Dirty Dancing". I remember having the biggest crush on Patrick Swayze. I remember thinking - I should be "Baby". The one who is lifted up in the air by Johnny!

I wanted to dance like them. I wanted to feel what they felt. I wanted to be in the movie. Period.

And the kissing scenes. Ohmygod! I would get all chokey and blushy! I hadn't even held hands with a boy let alone kissed anyone at the time!

To me it isn't the old, wrinkly, sick Patrick Swayze that just died. It's Johnny.
How sad.

This and that...

2009-08-31T10:25:00.002+08:00

I have never been too facinated by cosmetics / beauty products.
It's an effort to wash my face before I sleep.
Most mornings I forget to put any moisturiser.
A facial is something I go through once a year. If I remember.
The only thing I go through for the sake of beauty (read "necessity") is waxing and threading. I couldn't be bothered with much else.

I know I should give a shit. I am 33 and not getting any younger. I don't have clear skin and it needs looking after. But it's too much effort. Way too much effort.

And then yesterday the other D (someone I am working with and who is my partner in crime here in KL) introduced me to something called a "pore pack". And I am hooked! My nose felt like a new person after I was done trying the thing and I have decided to take a little more care about myself and be a little more "girly" in my approach to this shit. I mean this stuff.

I really look forward to the Sunday here. It's the only day off we have. Saturday night was spent "partying" till 4am!!!! I realised I am not 25 anymore as I woke up the next morning with every part of my body hurting. But it was worth it.

A few beers at home. "Land of the Lost" on DVD and a sashimi set dinner made the sunday almost perfect.

symphony 92.4

2009-08-29T04:18:00.000+08:00

For the last two weeks, when I get in to bed, I have been listening to classical music on the radio as I read, and then drop off to sleep.

experiments for tooth

2009-08-23T21:34:00.006+08:00

Here is some stuff I have made over the last few days. Its a bit odd, because I have been generally lazy, lethargic and disinclined to cook much. But these three instances, out of the blue, I ended up making something different. Oh well, that's a good thing. I wish D was here because the pleasure I get from cooking with (for) her is... jolly good.

Raging Red Paneer, I called this. There were onions & jeera, but the red came from tomatoes, red bell peppers & home made red chilli sauce/paste.

Rava dosa (the shape isn't great but its better than I thought it would be) with malgapudi and green chutney I made.

I couldn't help but call this Hot As Hell Burgers. I love burgers (which, for me are vegetarian), and I know a lot of people find the idea of a 'veg' burger odd. Well, boo to you. Anyway the potato patties for these had lots of chilli flakes, a spoon of that killer chilli paste from Australia, black pepper and, weirdly, some honey-mustard dressing. It turned bout to be...well, hot as hell. But not bad at all.

shells & whisky

2009-08-22T14:25:00.002+08:00

I’m early. They’re running late. The peanut shells have already formed a small pile in front of me, as if by themselves. I have not yet thrown any down. Its unlike me. Here, I usually begin dropping the shells on the floor almost immediately. Its like a sign that yes, I am here; or I have settled in. I must be careful, they get eaten at amazing speeds. Even faster than the drinks on happy hours. Mine has just arrived.

The guy tells me they have been to Bangkok, the entire staff of these bars on Emerald Hill. They were taken on a trip, partied hard, drank lots. It shows, he looks exhausted. But that’s great, isn’t it? That they were taken out, and the bars were all shit for a couple of days. I did not know that all these places were owned by the same person.

The whisky is tatsty. And generous, as always. Later, maybe, a classic margherita pizza awaits- with that thin, thin crust and flavourful tomatoes. I have a feeling this pile will look embarrassingly big soon. Maybe I will slow down, or maybe I will scatter them all over the floor.

My life (right now) in a list...

2009-08-20T15:40:00.002+08:00

1) I am in KL on work. This time I am away for about a month. I underestimate how hard it is being away from A. Every single time.
2) I am living in a swanky new service apartment and I keep wishing for someone to visit me.
3) I don't know anyone in this city and that makes it a bit bard. It's all about work and I wish it weren't so.
4) There is no cable at the apartment so am waiting for a friend of a friend to get some DVDs that we can watch at night.
5) I really want to eat healthy and go back to Sing with a flat tummy. But I am nowhere close to that.
6) KL weather is a bit better than Sing. Less muggy. More breezy.
7) My back is a bit dodgy right now and I am amazed yet again at my refusal to give it the attention it needs.
8) I am already day dreaming about our next holiday. Feels as though the 3 weeks in Europe never really happened.
9) Not much else to share really!

a swiss gerbera

2009-08-15T13:24:00.001+08:00

At the table; a wedding recption in Sion, Switzerland.

from flickr

weekend

2009-08-07T23:09:00.004+08:00

Weekends are not meant for work. But one shouldn't lose touch with working on weekends. Pray why, you might ask. I'd answer, "Nevermind".
So I worked 12 hours a day the weekend before last, and will work tomorrow again- Saturday. Its a 'long weekend', with Monday a holiday for National Day, so I still harbour hopes of a two day weekend. After a trip like the one we had it is hard to complain about excess work, without some guilt.

D, on the other hand, has been working without a day off for the last three weeks. Every weekend has been out of town- this morning she left for Jakarta and will be back Sunday night. Next week she leaves for Manila and from there straight for KL, to be out from Singapura for about 3 weeks, maybe more!

When she isn't here I am an odd mix of "yeah, let's meet and have a drink or three", and "Um, I think I'll stay home", and to self, "ah, to be home alone now". The last not as opposed to being home with D, but as opposed to meeting other humans.

On that cheery note, I am off to clear up in the kitchen and call D in her hotel room and then take my book ( I hope ) and sleep not too late ( I really hope). The most inane and mind numbingly boring work beckons tomorrow.

The trip conversations - II

2009-07-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

Well, we have been prompt about the next 'chat'.
I dont see the point in discussing the delay... lets get down to it then – shall we?
Ok.
The first one was a bit all over the place I think. This one can be more or less about the... say UK?
Um, ok then! Ok, only one word or one phrase each. You go.
Strange to go back to a place I had been before.
Grey clouds.
Old buildings.
Seeing an original Banksy graffiti piece, by chance.
Time with friends.
You discovering Pimm's.
Waiting. For Godot.
Sir. Ian. McKellen. Patrick. Stewart.
Soho walk at night. Dodgy area!
The drunk man standing around with a bloodied nose.
The many many many sandwiches.
Egg & cress!
Yes. But they never had enough salt for me :(
Nandos per peri extra hot crisps!
Laughing with buddies.
Tasting a limited edition 21 year old Laphroaig.
The fox in the garden at home!
Using a proper backpack for the first time.
Wearing scarves. And then sleeveless tops. In the same trip!
Wearing an India jersey in the sea of green at the T20 finals at Lord's.
Only having one fish & chips meal- but that one will be remembered for a long time!
Having a drink where Tolkien used to.
Walking. Walking. Tying a shoe lace. Walking. Tying.
Baking in the Tube when it got hot in London.
Being absolutely knackered at the end of the day.
Taking that combination of three night buses :)
The long beautiful days.
The skateboarders at Festival Pier.
The Borough market.
Oh, that was lovely.
Seeing that (Italian?) guy's crazy reaction when he walked into that bar in Edinburgh and saw that MJ had died.
Not being scared during the ghost tour.
I SO wanted to be, damnit.
Not wanting to mail or call anyone. Except the mums.
I was offered some snow to snort by a man named Zombie.
Lovely train ride to Edin, horrid fight spoilt it.
Driving for two and a half hours (no, three) in the great Distillery tour that never was.
Am so sorry about that.
Losing my woolly cap and then finding it.
So loving the Scottish accent and realising we were speaking with a slight lilt.
Not understanding a 3 year old and needing an interpreter every time!
'Firth of forth.'
Not enough time with friends.
Not enough single malts, by a long way.
Its never enough...
Yes- greed, wanting more. Till next time, then. Enjoy KL.
I will try... already sad I am going.

an ominous grey

2009-07-30T17:51:00.002+08:00

A glorious summer day turned into a dramatically grey afternoon.

The London summer was all it was supposed to be, but also all I had wanted it to be. Sunny, warm, bright, clear; yet a few times it was chilly and grey and stark and imposing. Many people think that's odd, that I would enjoy and even look forward to (and even be disappointed by a lack of) grey, dreary weather. But I think looking forward to it comes from two things- acutely missing a winter season in Singapore; and always having imagined England as a country with grey, chilly, weather.

from flickr

The trip conversations - Part I

2009-07-14T12:17:00.001+08:00

So.

Please don't beat around the bush. We are doing this for a purpose.

And what a fine purpose it is, to look back on something so.....

...unbelievable. It really was. Surreal too. In fact I can barely talk about my trip. To anyone.

Then it's good you are starting here. This was, after all, the longest trip we have ever done.

Longest yes. But mostly, F&^%ING unbelievable! Ok I will not use that word again!

Yes but I probably will. So: 25 days (!!!) including flights, 4 countries, and way too many experiences. It already seems like a....blur? A dream? Wait, I already don't like the numbers in that.

The nip in the air in London. The bright sunny skies in Edinburgh. The heat wave in London (yes same trip!!) The breeze in Geneva and Sion. The heat in Italy. Which was forgotten very quickly. The cricket. The tennis. The music. Oh the music...

The languages in London. The accent in Scotland. That wonderfully misty night in Edinburgh. Malt whisky. The Montreux Jazz Festival. A wedding reception in a valley in the Swiss countryside. The bridges in Venice.

The play. The play!!!! Waiting. Meeting friends. Drinking with friends. Eating. Feeling cold. Then feeling hot. Then feeling cold again.

Trying every kind of ale I could in England, and every malt I could in Scotland. Taking night buses and night trams. The sauna-like Tube. Sandwiches. Egg & cress. Nandos peri peri super hot chips. No, crisps.

And what about the piccante sandwich????!!!! That was F*&^ING amazing!

Ha, yes. And what a story behind its making! Then there was the time we got soaked in a storm by the lake in Montreux trying to watch the epic final set between Federer and Roddick with a crowd of mostly Swiss people around us. Insane.

I was frozen by the time we decided to look for cover. but I wouldnt change that.

Actually the storm got so bad the bar counter we were watching it at shut down, so we had no option but to run off for cover. Hmm. I also loved the train rides...

Trams. Buses. Trains. Planes. Vaporettoes. Underground. Cars. Loved them all. I was also just thinking that I got drunk once in every city... except - Milan.

What about FEET??? We walked so so so so much. My feet cried out for some loving, but I Loved all the walking...

Me too. I love the little blister still there on the sole of my left foot. Reminds me of the trip. It's been barely 24 hours since we got back and already its all slipping away.

I hate that, how it slips away so quickly. You come back and suddenly all the trip becomes sand in your hand, slipping away. So we must try to write more about it. Might even resurrect this blog (ha!)

Burp.

I know this is endless but we can do a little more quick reminiscing?

For me my birthday was surreal. It was F&%$ING mindbogglingly unbelievable. There I have used it again.

Yes. I could think of a dozen adjectives for the U2 concert and it still wouldn't be enough. Or adequate. I am so so blessed to have been there. We both are.

I want that to be the last thing we write.
We were blessed. Period.

Indeed we were. Let us go to bed now. Grateful, and hoping to hold on to as much of the beauty as we can :)

Inshallah.

Summer '09

2009-06-09T01:35:00.007+08:00

Average temperatures....
London, in June: Max 21C, Min 13C
Edinburgh, in June: Max 16C, Min 8C
Geneva, in July: Max 24C, Min 14C
Milan, in July: Max 30C, Min 19C
Venice, in July: Max 28C, Min 19C

It's time...

2009-05-29T15:51:00.001+08:00

... for new beginnings.

an abandoned window

2009-05-18T10:56:00.002+08:00

View On Black

Singapore : the area around Ann Siang Hill and Club Street has a fair few bars; this is the exterior of one called 'Raw'. It seems to now be shut down, and looked deserted and neglected.

Ann Siang Hill is a wondeful area near the Chinatown locality in Singapore. Many restored shophouses from early 20th century, today are colourful, inviting, and generally fascinating to walk about.

from flickr

into the distance

2009-04-18T20:33:00.004+08:00

with the sea close, gentle contemplation is never too far

A beautiful sunny morning at Bintan, Indonesia.

from flickr

rakhi dearest

2009-04-14T17:09:00.002+08:00

So I get this priceless email in my inbox yesterday. Note, I don't use this email ID indiscriminately to sign up around the net etc, to keep it relatively free of spam. yet here this is, and I reproduce for your reading pleasure.

Dear [my universal nick name!],
I am sure you know me!

I have achieved a lot in life and received my share of fame and adulation. But it all seems a bit empty without someone to share it with. I am now looking to find true love... looking to find my life partner.

Our common friends have mentioned that you and I have the possibility of making a great pair. Just like I am passionate about dance, I am told you are passionate about sports. Mixing dance and cricket will be a great combination!

NDTV Imagine is conducting a Swayamvar for me and it will be great if you could apply.

The simplest way to do this is to log onto www.ndtvimagine.com
Look forward to seeing you soon at my Swayamvar

Warm Regards,

Rakhi

My Life by U2

2009-04-04T20:51:00.002+08:00

1. Are you a male or female:
Boy/Girl

2. Describe yourself:
I Still Haven't Found What I’m Looking For

3. How do you feel about yourself:
Running To Stand Still

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend:
The Lost Highway

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation:
All I Want Is You

6. Describe your current location:
City of Blinding Lights

7. Describe where you want to be:
In God’s Country

8. Your best friend is:
Love Rescue Me

9. Your favorite color is:
Bullet The Blue Sky

10. You know that:
Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own

11. If your life was a television show what would it be called:
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me

12. What is life to you:
Beautiful Day

13. What is the best advice you have to give:
Peace On Earth

Sometimes...

2009-03-28T01:44:00.001+08:00

...I feel inadequate. And lonely.

twentyfive

2009-03-27T13:07:00.003+08:00

The damned 25 things list-meme going around on FB, which i finally ended up writing...
Some people said list 25 random things, some said 25 quirky things. There are probably some of both here:

1. I plan more than I do. I have been planning to write this list for 2months now.
2. I absolutely do not like to read reviews or discuss movies before I have seen them.
3. I could be a loner who likes people.
4. My decision making skills are the stuff of legend.
5. I’m often philosophical, but not quite a philosopher.
6. I once fell asleep at the wheel of the car.
7. I love my life, and I am potentially selfish about it.
8. Journeys make me hungry. I like to eat on trains, at airports, in flights…
9. I like being inquisitive about the world. I don't like that I don't act upon it enough.
10. I didn’t ever have a credit card till two years ago.
11. I love discussions, love to hear the other point of view and then proffer mine.
12. I sometimes get too animated in these discussions, I think it comes across as aggressive to people though I don’t mean it to.
13. I love cricket but am shite at playing it. (except on a console)
14. I don’t think I have any regrets.
15. I probably regret not buying that camera and that hat in Hong Kong when I was an impoverished travel show producer back in 2000.
16. I hate Hate. And the resultant unpleasantness… unless it has the promise, or intent, of resolution.
17. I once blacked out and fell in the bathroom and hit my head.
18. I am grateful for the friends I have. Really. I am not always the best in nursing friendships though.
19. I like cooking. I don't learn enough in it. I experiment, 'toss' things in a lot. I don't know the first thing about baking because we don't have an oven here.
20. I think smokers are people too.
21. The word mediocre appeals to me.
22. I am almost always the last to eat at a party.
23. I suck at small talk.
24. I like suddenly realising- when I am climbing a step, getting out of the lift, in the bus...- that I am in sync with the music I am listening to. It feels good. It feels like a soundtrack. Sometimes, sometimes, I even feel like a movie.
25. I love a cool breeze.

The trip...

2009-03-18T12:34:00.003+08:00

I am in love with the desi version of the INXS "Afterglow" song.
It gives me goose bumps. It makes me want to stop breathing. I find myself getting affected by a song like this after a very long time. I have a tendency of getting attached to a song / songs and then I listen to them over and over again. I don’t tire of the melody or the words… creature of habit yes!

Things are slow at work. I shouldn’t complain as I miss this time when it is completely manic.

We got back from India about a week and a half ago. The trip feels like it happened ages back. But that is the thing with holidays isn’t it? You get back into your daily life and immediately feel as though the time off never happened.
I love this song. It is playing on repeat on the youtube link in my explorer window!

The reason for this trip was - TWO weddings!!!! It was INSANE.
A very close friend and A’s rakhi sis were getting married – not to each other may I add! Each day was a blur of sari tying, kurtas being ironed, hair getting done, drinks being poured, much chatter & consumption… and of course lots of laughter.
I LOVED it. The only regret I have is that we didn’t get “sit down / just only” time with either couple, but I guess that couldn’t be helped.

Then there were the lovely few days in Bangalore. Spending time with A’s mum and family was such fun. The spoonfuls of ghee in my rice at every mealtime are now showing… but I DO NOT regret eating like a pig from the time I woke till the time I slept!!! Aren’t holidays meant for that??

The first two days of the trip were spent with my sister and my niece & nephew in Bhopal. The city is the capital of the state and yet has a quiet, small town feel to it. I had a chance to chat with her like I haven’t for years and I loved that… I miss her intensely and don’t get to do this often enough. A was in delhi and didn't come along. He was spending some quality time with his brother and sis-in-law & nephew. Something happened to his knee and he was in excruciating pain for a few days but was thankfully up on his feet for all the main functions!!!

Back to Bhopal - we went sightseeing one of the days. On the agenda was one of the largest mosques in Asia and the “van vihar” or the local zoo. The mosque was nice, though I hated the renovation that had started on one of the towers. The new paint had this pinkish artificial look to it and it was sad how the old weathered stone look was slowly getting lost in the ugly pink…

I personally hate zoos, but this one was an exception by Indian standards at least. (I am typing much faster thanks to the song!!!! Yes it is on repeat number 5 now!!!!) it seemed to have lots of open space. The animals (the ones in the cages!) did not seem too sad… and then I happened to meet some outside (the cages)! There were 3 men who were throwing things at a bear in one of the cages and my sister walked up to them saying – (in hindi) 'How would you like to be on the receiving end of the stones? Maybe you should be locked up and we should throw things at you.' (this is very typical of her by the way!) I was right behind her to support her, in case they got aggressive. (Also, my 9 year old nephew and 6 year niece were with us so I wasn’t too keen to take on something too confrontational!) They seemed a bit taken aback at my sister’s outburst and started to walk off mumbling something offensive. So not to be left behind, I added my two bit – “aise logon ko koi tameez to hai hi nahin” (loosely translated as – people like this have absolutely no concept of what is decent public behaviour.)
And the guys turned around and started advancing towards us saying – “aisi ladkiyon ko kapde pahene ki tameez hai hi nahin hai” (girls like her don’t have the sense of wearing the right clothes.) Aside - I was wearing jeans and a black frock style tshirt. The neck I admit was a bit low, but because I am not well endowed there was no cleavage!!!! Anyway, back to the story - because there were hardly any people around (and the kids with me!) I swallowed my anger, hurried to the car and we drove off.

I could hardly breathe with anger. I HATED myself for this. For walking off and not talking back to those dumbf_ _ _s.

Eve teasing is the biggest reason I DO NOT miss living in India. I have almost forgotten what it’s like to watch your back (front, side etc etc) all the time.

On a lighter note – the trip was absolutely wonderful and I have come back in a funny state of mind.

I miss being with my mother, friends, family, gol gappas, dilli haat momos… I miss it all. I have come back not being able to get back into the groove of my life here in sing. I have come back missing my girl friends intensely. We had one evening together in delhi between all the wedding revelry and it was a blast. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. I miss that camaraderie. I miss having people around me who know me inside out and I don’t even have to say a word for them to know how I feel.

Sigh.
I am such a bright spark I love myself!
The song is still on repeat in case anyone is interested...

thailand snapshot- a sunset

2009-03-17T00:20:00.002+08:00

- A wonderful sunset at Karon beach, Phuket. (which was much prettier than I had expected a popular Phuket beach to be).

from flickr

unfiltered

2009-03-11T22:31:00.000+08:00

Back in office today, I could hardly taste the coffee. The various kinds seemed either too weak or too milky or too sweet or too watery. But all uniformly rubbish. This is what a week of genuine, strong, wonderful filter coffee has done to me.

instead of 25

2009-02-22T22:52:00.003+08:00

Yesterday,Feb 21, in Bengaluru airport. I thought I would do the '25 things' thingy on FB (finally), but this happened:/span>

Instead, I'll do 25 15 20 21 things about now.

1. I am in an airport
2. I'm writing (not smoothly) with a pen, in a notebook that's proving to be flimsy
3. I spent the last ten minutes writing'25' in 4 different ways.
4. A rather large man is eating biryani next to me while his wiofe looked on oddly, and has now joined him.
5. I am listening to the Dev D soundtrack. I like it.
6. I love my iPod.
7. Charu Sharma was having coffee here a while ago.
8. My hand baggage is 11.5 kilos! Blame it on trying to ensure my suitcase is within 20kgs.
9. My suitcase is 20.5kgs. Blame it, among other things, on two bottles-in-tins of Jim Beam Black.
10. I need to go board my flight in about 5 minutes
11. Bengaluru airport is abouit 40km from my Mum's place.
12. I paid 100 rupees for the rather ordinary Frappe I'm having.
13. I want to continue reading Ubik on the plane but I know I'll probably fall asleep.
14. I know my brother is unstocked. :(
15. Its going to be one helluva week.
16. My mum toldme about a parent in her school who belts her 7 year old dyslexic daughter.
17. Emotional Attyachaar rock version rocks.
18. Predictably, my 'lifetime' Vodafone sim bought last August in Mumbai is completely dead now. The phone doesn't even read the sim card.
19. I'm looking forward to time in Gurgaon tomorrow. Maybe even Bikanerwala.
20. Its going to be ONE HELLUVA week!
21. 21 Feb. Apart but :)

chaddis in singapore

2009-02-17T01:09:00.003+08:00

Saturday, the (blech) V-day, we took pink unmentionables and drank at a pub. Sigh, the things we have to do for our causes, I tell you.

hum Hindustani

2009-02-12T11:41:00.002+08:00

I realised the other day that there is one movie hall here in Singland where people walk in late for the film more than other halls; and these people tend usually to not courtesy-crouch as they shuffle to their seats. While I’m at it, this is also the one hall where more cell phones are left on, and more calls actually taken.

they’ll be wearing pink boxers

2009-02-09T14:09:00.002+08:00

Immoral, de-cultured Hindus of the world, unite!
Steady that weeping heart, and force yourself to give away your favourite pink chaddi, then partake of some, or much, liquid on the 14th. I know D & I will probably grace our favourite watering hole this Saturday (we just needed the excuse, and this seems worthy enough).

the desert of the real

2009-02-08T17:28:00.002+08:00

“Where have I come”, he thinks, as laughter tries not to choke on what wells inside.
What is this place- at once mine, and alien? What is this I smell, is it home or exile? I can touch the warmth, but feel the harsh heat.
He steps cautiously, looking around, looking at everyone.
Is this compatriot or foe? Is he visionary, delusionary, illusionary? What are these voices, that shout out over the music ; this din that tries to drown those thumping, familiar, happy beats?
He whirls, furtive eyes grappling with an unsettled mind. He listens, comprehends. But he cannot understand.

What is this belief, how is this belief? Is it all I see that does this, or is it my eyes?
He feels the arms, their tight grip. They don’t know him, but they reach out to him. Stopping, objecting, holding, demanding.
Where has this desire to control come from? Or has it merely been waiting to strike? Who are these people?
He turns to them, reason in his eyes. They laugh cruelly, their understanding locked away by time and delusion. He speaks and explains and argues with them. But they have already turned away, and even he can barely hear himself now.
Where have I come? What is this place? What is happening to it? Or was it always thus, am I the sleeper? What am I supposed to think?
* * *

Disorientation, disbelief and frustration- just a few links:
marriage offers, Devoutly disobedient, Cultural attack, Noodle straps, Man beats wife for dressing like man, adultery, watch, don't watch, karachi sweets, pub culture tv debate, muslim girl’s tattoo, Bangalore pubs, Delhi/soumya, UP labourer in the train,
the idea of indignation,

Where the mind is without fear...

2009-02-05T16:09:00.003+08:00

It isn’t about wanting to wear spaghetti strap tops.
It isn’t about drinking or smoking.
It isn’t about wanting to kiss a man or a woman in public.

It is about freedom. And about being a woman and not feeling guilty about it.
It is about not feeling threatened.
It is about being safe.

I am so upset I can barely breathe. I have thought about all the things that I want to say and I am unable to put my thoughts down in a coherent, reasonable manner.

But what am I angry about?
Is it the Sri Ram Sene? Is it Murthalik? Is it the Karnataka Chief Minister? Or the Rajasthan Government?
Is it the man who whistled at me as I stood waiting for an auto at 6.30pm at a busy crossing in Delhi?
Is it the 4 boys who followed me at 9.30 in the morning, as I was driven to work in an auto (again its an auto! Maybe the autos are to blame!!!) An aside – I was wearing a salwaar kameez.

But even if I was wearing shorts and a tank top, no one should have the right to dictate how I dress. No one should have the right to whistle, stare, grope or molest me for what I wear.

And certainly, no one should have the right to beat me up if I am sitting in a pub drinking beer.

How dare anyone go scot free after molesting, beating and hurting women?
Murthalik apologized for the way his men acted. But he did not think what they did was wrong, because he thinks that Indian women need protecting from an alien (read “western”) culture. Renuka Chowdhary calls this incident “the talibanisation of Indian culture” and I have to say that I agree with her.

I am appalled and more importantly – I am scared at how things are changing in cities and towns across my country.
I am scared as I observe that the voices that are heard are the ones that are the loudest, the ones that belong to the bullies.
I am scared as I watch how free thinking, neutral, democratic and progressive voices are going unheard.
And I am scared when I realize that my country may be regressing to the dark ages.

I want to meet Ashok Gehlot, Pravin Valke and Kiran Maheshwari and millions like them.
I would like to ask them, what according to them is “Indian Culture”.

Is it laying down dictates for what women can wear? Or do?
Is it teasing women on the streets?
Is it molesting girls in broad day light?
Is it raping whoever you please?
Is it making women sit at home and make rotis?
Is it arresting people who express affection in public?

I would love some answers.

But I will get none. And I must live with that.
In the mean time I will read and watch the absolute shite that comes out of the mouths of the very people who govern my country and continue to be scared.

whats wrong with singapura?

2009-02-02T17:34:00.002+08:00

This is an odd, and oddly nice video. The Complaints Choir of Singapore (sounds strangely promising already) with a long, borderline tedious but interesting performance. Its unfortunate that this performance was disallowed in public, but as their song says “what's not expressly permitted, is prohibited”.

thank you for this saturday

2009-02-01T03:40:00.003+08:00

I wish to thank the following for my Saturday evening. It has been fun, funny, deep, engrossing, random, real and not...in almost equal measure. So, here are the worthies:

Australian Open, Mahesh Bhupati, breeze, low rain January, coolness, normalcy of a quick supermarket trip, India playing cricket, cooking kali dal, tarivaale aloo, overseas phone calls, expectancy, soda, whisky, sport, friends, wasabi peas, my dear Ipod, Sachin Tendulkar celebrating, more friends, serving, ice, laughter, wisecracks, PJs, flipping channels, wickets and goals, non-passive smoking, softness, lamps, volume, 2-0, alive playlists, peter seger, depth, power, close dancing, walls, blue tack and now, Leonard Cohen.

Good night.

sunday

2009-01-30T19:04:00.002+08:00

Frying, serving and eating an egg. Grocery shopping in the midst of Lunar New Year madness- there is so much sold out. Reading a recently started book and enjoying it. Visiting Flickr. Finding Federer down two sets, and rooting him on for every game. Together. The intensity of cheering in sport- claps, shouts and fist pumps. Cooking lunch, being alone at home with D. Watching a movie with her. Kung Fu Panda seems funnier the second time round. Going to a friend’s place by bus in wonderfully grey weather. Kneading dough as part of a group momo-making effort. Chat and laughter. Some whisky. Tasty as hell momos and dinner. Listening to crazy 70s Hindi movie background music (shayad tumhe pata nahi, I am a gambler…ta-ta taen taen!). Cracking up on an old Pakistani play that has found its way from stage to VHS to DVD. A Laphroaig nightcap. Unexpectedly getting a bus back home at 11.30.

Normalcy. Relaxation. Intensity. Togetherness. Social goodness. Culinary delight. Laughter. Intimacy. Warmth.

I’d say for a day that somehow didn’t feel extraordinarily special as it passed, that’s one heck of a Sunday.

Anger management...

2009-01-28T14:16:00.002+08:00

I walked out of office today.
I had my reasons.
Mainly - I was just so angry that I couldn't stand being there.

Trying to work. Talking to people. Trying to work. Reading things on the net. Trying to work. Behaving as though I am perfectly fine.

So I just left. And came home.
I feel better now.

But I am still angry.

So what are the things I would like to do...
Smash a glass really really hard on the floor.
Punch someone really really hard.
Scream really really loudly.
Cry.
Cut my hair.

I have chosen to do none of the above.
Smashing a glass will only result in me feeling bad about the glass. I love all the glasses we own.
Punching someone would definitely cause someone excessive pain. I would end up feeling bad right after.
Screaming will not help.
Crying did not help.
The blasted place where I cut my hair is shut for Chinese New Year! I contemplated cutting my own hair but then there are 2 weddings coming up and I would like my hair long since I will be wearing saris!

So what I am doing is - watching TV. Eating cup-o-noodles. And calming down.

Today...

2009-01-26T08:27:00.003+08:00

I am irritated that today is just another day.
I don't like being in office and working on scripts and sitting on an edit.
It bothers me that I have to meet people today.

It's sad that today is just so very normal... like every other day.

gong xi fa cai!

2009-01-26T01:30:00.005+08:00

Xing Nien Kwai Le (happy new year)! Kung He Fat Choi!
I made this after the first year here, and still lazily use it on the blog. Its the Lunar New Year, here's wishing you the best in the year of the Ox!
*Chinese characters in calligraphy are as tough as they are beautiful. This is not great because it is with a pen and not a brush, but heck I am told it is accurate.

four

2009-01-19T23:00:00.002+08:00

Moving away, moving to the unknown, moving nowhere. Loving new cultures, finding old attitudes. Growing older. Growing at work, and wondering if one is. Accents that enchant, others that infuriate. Zombies. The murder of English. Loving (the idea of) being tolerant, not quite knowing why I just cannot tolerate some things. Knowing the joys of that which had only been thought.

Travelling. Growing. Of minarets, bridges, dips, towers, beers,chillies, fondue, beaches, cliffs, castles, temples, boats and airports and notebooks and postcards.

The search for jalapenos.

Not quite knowing what to make of freedoms and constraints. Democracy and politics and utter apathy and wondering what price is the right price. Not speaking out and not bothering, with no need to; and wondering what being stopped would do to me. Dress codes and tattoos and cycles on footpaths and dog restrictions.

Smells and stinks. Pork and dried fish and ~~expired~~ popular fruit. Suddenly loving garlic and not loving papaya, again. Look, baingan has made a grand entry onto an ever growing list of acceptables, enjoyables. Walking through hanging meat and steaming flesh without batting an eyelid, almost always. Learning names of new sea creatures, courtesy their penchant for ending up on plates. Enjoying new cuisines, even if often only vicariously. Eating apparently healthier than before.

Playing and stagnating. Growing fat and not and fat. Moving and stopping. Tennis and swims, lost and desired consoles. Running for buses and guiltily walking to taxi stands. Transit maps and train stations and coloured metro lines.

Single incomes and freelancing and phone calls. Bars not gone to, evenings missed out on, missing pubs and not minding it much, then gladly rediscovering them. Drinking-out quietly but strongly infiltrating our lives again. Noticing it. Liking it, not wanting to take it for granted. Never using taxis, to now often giving in to the temptation. Houses and pools and moving and bookshelves and frames.

Old friends, new dynamics. New friends, old histories. Sleepovers and sharing and parties and tequila. Friends to be grateful for, friendships to cherish, new people to laugh at, laugh with, fight with, wonder about. Gifts and babies and freshly made chapattis and balconies. Visitors and luck and mothers.

Cooking.

New jobs, old complaints, new complaints, new joys. Budgets and excel sheets. Columns with categories demarcating your life- they stop you and enable and teach you, though you don’t know it at the time. Their boundaries make for good nostalgia, then you let the columns fade away. Greed and material desire and giving in and knowing there is no end to it. Not disliking it all.

Whisky and bourbon and single malts. Duty free non-negotiables, exorbitatntly priced alcohol never ceasing to amaze. Soda and coke. Sour cream& onion, cheddar-cheese and salt & vinegar. Peanuts. Peanut shells. Thai beer, taking drinks for parties. Pot lucks, barbecues, cooking meat on coals without having ever done it before or imagined you would, or even could. Cards, coins, candles.

New holidays, new festivals. Immersing and being indifferent and not wanting to.

The digital age, right proper. Ipods and digital cameras and a laptop and so much music. Blogging and flickr and much else. Perseverance and wanting to have it. Focus, and looking for it. Passion, and wondering about it. Craving for more. Not knowing anything about finances and not being able to bring yourself to. Having little to squander, and squandering it. NRE accounts and PANs and still staying the same.

Longevity, diversity, creativity, individuality, perpetuity, uncertainty, transience, .

Discovering, exploring. Falling in love. Worrying and holding close and crying and laughing and warmth and half a decade. Distance and understanding and proximity and movie halls and honesty and moonlight and loving it.

Arriving, staying, not wanting time frames, and so staying.

2096640 minutes
34944 hours
1456days
208weeks
48months
4 years
is about how long it has been I started living in Singapore.

thailand dec'08 -the numbers

2009-01-14T15:10:00.004+08:00

staying
nights in Thailand : 7
days in Thailand : 7.25
hours in Thailand : 168.5
Destinations : 3

moving
ferry rides : 3
longtail boat rides : 8
kayak rides : 3
taxi rides : 2
minibus rides : 2

consuming
meals in Thailand : 22
SomTam (papaya salad) had : 2 :(
instances loving the chilly : 4
instances seeing stars with chilly : 1
kinds of fruit : 2
pizzas : 3
Milk shakes : 5
Beer (Chang/Singha) : 5700ml
Thai whisky(SangSom) : 1500ml
prasad : 1 offering carefully spread out

seeing
islands spotted : didn’t count
beaches seen : lost count
beaches walked on : 8
fish seen : hundreds
colour of corals seen : 6
monks spotted : none :(
thai pop videos seen : 1

doing
number of times snorkelled : 7
boat-jumps into the sea : 6
moonlit beach walks : 10
reggae bars visited : 1
massages : 14 [1 per day! ]

feeling
weather on arrival : 24 Celsius
hottest during stay : 31 Celsius
coolest during stay : app23 Celsius
hours overcast : 6 (in Phi Phi)
days it rained : 0

connecting
no. of phone calls made : 0
no. of times net accessed : 1
minutes spent watching tv : app 30
photos taken : 991 935
videos shot : 14
pages written : app 16

spending
cheapest room : 1200B (US$34)
most expensive room : 2900B (US$84) [!!!]
cheapest food item : 10B
most expensive food item : 180B
cheapest beer (small) : 25B (in a mart)
most expensive beer (small) : 70B
cheapest fun activity : bloody free
most expensive fun activity : 800B/person (snorkelling/kayaking/beachy day trip)
censored fun activity : 500B
cheapest thing bought : 33B
most expensive thing bought : 350B

The Great Blue

2009-01-13T14:26:00.003+08:00

I can see a new me here, a new life. Today, it goes something like this.

Wake up. Gentle sunlight is starting to venture into my room, for I left the curtains at the big glass doors undrawn. If I listen hard, I can hear the gentle lapping of the waves. I wake up, sprightly, open the door and look out at the vast, brilliant blueness below and beyond me. Freshly squeezed apple juice. A run on the sand; my body still aches from the bushwalk two days ago. Today I am listening to Voices, which I haven’t heard since listening to it everyday for the first two weeks I was here.

Today, after 2 months of being here, I am supposed discover something for myself. No guidance, no suggestions. Two hours later, after diving into my pool at the Blue Pearl home, to clean it of that solitary leaf floating about, I am on the buggy. My backpack has my camera (not to self- please take less photos!), a handycam, the iPod, my notebook, and a liter of an isotonic drink and another big bottle of 50spf sunscreen. D has decided to stay back today, nursing a bruise from yesterday’s sailing experiment. Hamilton Island, here I come. What have you got for me today, that I can blog about for hundreds to read? I know the video diary from today, already- there is a tree I have been meaning to climb, that hangs out spectacularly over the Great Barrier Reef.

But I won’t tire myself out too much. Tomorrow, I have volunteered for the Aerial Postal Service. It will be a hard, gorgeous day in the skies and on different islands, but I am a committed worker.

I have possibly the best job in the world. I am the Caretaker of the Islands, and my life is changing.

* * *
What a chance, and what a brilliant idea. Go make that cool resume for the coolest thing around.

Knowing me, knowing you...

2009-01-05T18:10:00.001+08:00

Am not sure I like the fact that people who know me read what I write.

the art of indecision

2009-01-03T20:38:00.003+08:00

This is my blog. Old/anon, anew/me.
I am writing there, again. And here, too, but some stuff that will just be there. Read if you so wish.

the aRt of InDeciSiOn

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T16:26:00.000+08:00

Cheers to a peaceful and happy 2009.
-D&A

2008-12-30T23:08:00.002+08:00

I
finished Sacred Games yesterday, all nearly-one thousand pages of it. It is captivating, descriptive, laboriously worked out, intricately planned and yes, its long. While it did not utterly blow me away in its entirety, parts of it grab hold of you and don't let you go.

What I was struck by most were two things. There is very obviously (and very satisfyingly) a lot of hard work and research that's gone into it. While that might not be an achievement in itself (though at this scale it very well could be), it lends innumerable layers to the reading experience. Biting off chapters has an added kick when you can almost taste the places and people, smell the streets and the fear, touch grime and the inevitability.

Then, there is the grandeur of thought. There is a desire for scale and detailing, a certain greedy ambition in the writing of this book which wants to stretch out and embrace so much. Crime, sex, investigation and fanaticism, yes; but also personal histories, societal psyche, frustration, corruption, ambition, poverty, politics, hope, normalcy. And the ability/helplessness to wade through life despite it all, to accept and move on, to resign oneself and find a way around, to smile and justify everything and nothing. To find happiness- no, to find meaning in life- in spite of life itself.

Brush to paint...

2008-12-30T09:22:00.003+08:00

I think I painted today after a few years.

The last thing I remember 'painting' were the 'rakhi' cards! And they were really nothing to write home about!

It felt good... to dip the brush into the paint bottle, and then put firm brush strokes to the fabric. I am not too familiar with fabric painting. (Waters were more my thing!) But it felt good nonetheless.

As my hand moved across the shirt, it was firm. And it helped push all irrelevant, unnecessary thoughts out of my head. I was only thinking of the paint and the strokes and how it looked.

I had forgotten how much I used to love this.
Need to find my rhythm again.

Aargh.

2008-12-27T04:08:00.004+08:00

I am still reeling from Ghajini. I can't quite reconcile to Aamir Khan in such a grating, mindless, hopeless piece of cinema. Throw logic to the winds, add unhealthy doses of screechy sound effects, regress in huge chunks to brain-dead 80s Bollywood. And make me pay 12 dollars for it! Bah. The villains were from some cardboards cutouts from two decades ago- bizarre imports from Tamil cinema (surely?) who couldn't act to save their fat bellies. They just had to stand around, then shout uncontrollably when attacking the hero before- quite literally- falling senseless.

The (absolutely fantastic) premise of the film- short term memory loss- was reduced to a tacky sneering one liner for the villain. We see none of the confusion, twists and mind-numbing intrigue it can provide. We aren't made to empathise (or even really see) what such an ailment could do to a revenge-obsessed man with only himself to rely on. Eventually the film ends up being almost a parody of itself, careening mindlessly from one messy act to another, till you are left wishing that the only short term memory in all of this happens to you, so you forget the last 180mins.

I'm sorry Aamir Khan, maybe its your fault that we now expect a certain kind of film from you- at least slightly intelligent. This experience, though, had nothing cerebral about it, nothing even plain smart. So damn whoever for ruining it for me and making me write such a blog post at 4am.

No Subject.

2008-12-23T15:50:00.002+08:00

It's difficult to write.
Most thoughts that come to me are mundane... Which I find almost pathetic really.
Most times I don't care. Sometimes I do.

Thailand was breathtaking. It already seems like it never happened. Or happened to someone else.

I am suddenly hit by the end of the year blues. I would have liked to be in Delhi in winter.

Cheery as always.

back...

2008-12-21T14:44:00.000+08:00

apathy

2008-12-05T02:39:00.001+08:00

T
here is a part of me that sometimes feels I have a limited right to anger; to rail against 'the system', 'politicians', 'leaders'. Occasionally the guilt of non involvement rears its head- if I don't do anything, say anything, participate in anything, how much of a right do I have to expect and demand?
Today I am sickened by some of the unabashed political opportunism I see in the wake of the Mumbai attacks. What was the BJP doing about preventing extremist crime in the previous decade? They were busy laying the seeds for violence through their divisive politics. Yet today they could well come to power based largely on their projected ability to tackle ‘terror’.

But this is not a tirade against Advani & Co. Its just a minor outpouring of guilt. Considering I have never (that's right- never) voted, I might as well say I asked for it. I'm a virtual non entity. I'm not being naïve enough to say that politicians will come and go on the preferences of people like me. Nor does this apparent apathy imply a lack of concern or a diluted sense of belonging. But I wonder how I need to step up a bit, feel more like I am putting in attention and effort that deserves something in return.

Till then, I can keep spouting cliches and writing blog posts.

first here

grappling

2008-11-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

I
am grateful for my daily life. For my joys. For my contentment. I feel far removed from the unsettled feeling I would have were I in Delhi or Bombay right now. Not that I am all light and unaffected, but- thousands of miles away- its much less real than it could be.

It was another day of streaming news on the net. The stories went round and round, entangled in each other like the fearsome mess they were part of. Then they started repeating, and we started reading. Facebook statuses give glimpses of what people we know are thinking, windows into opinions and emotions and interest. Blog entries vent unabashedly- anger, vitriol, sadness, indignation, even hatred. Articles talk of how seminal this is, others on how it could/should be. Pictures speak like sledgehammers.

Then they all start blurring into one another. My head spins, stops and spins again. The heaviness weighs us down. The unending flow of information crushes us. We go for a walk. Laughter makes an appearance, if warily. People mill around in the mall, shopping. We grab a bite, trying to avoid talk of this. We still do a few times. We window shop. I look for pesto for a prospective pasta at night, but its too expensive.

I come back and doze off on her shoulder as she reads and watches some more. I wake up with a headache. More bodies. I change my status update again. I'm not being able to switch off too well. Its not like I entirely want to. But I know I should, at least for a while. I feel guilty for wanting to.

A shower helps. A small Laphroaig from the emptying bottle doesn't help the guilt but it feels good. Then I feel must write. Its nothing for the world to read I suppose, but I feel I should.

futility ~VI

2008-11-29T20:29:00.003+08:00

from last night.

A
nother day. Its 4am again. I cant stay up anymore. My head is reeling from the constant barrage of images, voices, reports. Stories of dead people. Stories of survivors, of heroes, of normal people. And unbelievably drawn out gunfights and conflict. It sucked me in, and I wanted to be immersed. I wanted to know what was going on, as it happened. And, from far away, I think I also wanted to feel connected.

futility ~V

2008-11-29T19:11:00.002+08:00

W
hat is resilience now? Is a few million people going to work resilience? What does it say? What does it say about us? It sends out a message that we will not be cowed. We will not let you disrupt our lives. And well we might want to send out such a message.

But lives are disrupted. Lives are lost. And I cannot behave like it does not matter. I cannot convince myself that getting on with it would be as much from spirit as from being desensitised. And I know, like so much else here, there is no black and white here. So if I was in Mumbai right now I would not hole myself up at home from fear or anger. I would be out, probably, searching for normalcy, for joi de vivre, for signs of the goodness of people, of life itself. But I would hope that we don't bask in the 'spirit' so much that all this is merely another chapter in India's ability to bounce back.

praying

2008-11-29T14:04:00.002+08:00

how must it feel when inhuman acts are carried out in the name of the God you have grown up peacefully praying to?

futility ~IV

2008-11-29T03:20:00.004+08:00

Earlier on Friday.

36
hours and counting.
I can’t help but think of the forces. The commandos, the special units. The constables with lathis. Aching limbs, dulled or conversely heightened senses. Adrenalin. Fear. Bleary eyes.
It seems like we are in a movie. [ There, even using the ‘we’ feels odd. Do I have that right, sitting here in this sanitized environment watching my streaming news off the net ? ] But yes, it feels like a movie. Not a blockbuster that runs on adrenalin and eventually feels justified, brave, glorious. No, this is a dirty, gritty, unsettling, disturbing film.

I tell her, tell myself, to stop watching it all non-stop. To pause, let my mind breathe; cling on to normalcy, because watching and listening starts to get into your head. Under your skin. The sickness creeps up, you feel ill.
Then I say why the heck. The least I can do is go through the disgust that following this story brings with it. I can't begin to imagine what people have gone through, and here I am bothered about feeling mildly ill.

futility ~III

2008-11-28T17:58:00.004+08:00

W

hat.
What do you think this will achieve? Not now, not tomorrow. In five years? In ten? Twenty? What is the ultimate end you are working toward? What will this do? More blood trails, more anger. Resentment, retribution. Endlessness. Cycles. Inevitability and perpetuation.

futility ~II

2008-11-28T16:32:00.005+08:00

I
ts night.
There has been so much to see, read, absorb, adjust, talk about and think. There have been tears, apprehensions, sadness, anger, disbelief, confusion. I still feel helpless. I still feel like its a world that’s fast transforming into one I cant quite comprehend. One that, try as I might, I cant see the point of. The 'whys' far outnumber the once fashionable 'why nots'.

Eventually, guiltily, sleep.

futility~I

2008-11-28T12:43:00.005+08:00

S
hock. The incredulity of hearing news from a non credible source. Slowly sinking headlines. Iconic image. Cluttered sub text. Confusion. Speechlessness. Welling up. Silence. Text messages. trying to be articulate. Avoiding phone calls- both received and to be made, for fear of choking up on them. The inability to respond with normalcy. Grappling with the enormity of it all.

I started to read. I tried to see the videos. I had this lump of quiet in my throat, my mouth, my heart. A lump of impact but also of inability. I was, literally, unable to talk about it to the some people around me who were following it all. I didn’t want to talk with others (non Indians) who had questions about what really happened. I didn’t want to talk to some who were excited about the drama. I couldn’t bear to even listen to yet others who sounded like this was another tamasha to animatedly discuss, dissect and, dare I say, enjoy. I couldnt stand that.

Terror...

2008-11-28T11:21:00.002+08:00

I have a heavy heart.
I swing between feeling angry, sad, sickened and sometimes just helpless.

Work...

2008-11-18T01:17:00.002+08:00

I think I did some of the best work of my career.
I know the constraints I worked with. I didn't let the lack of funds or enthusiasm or interest in the project, if I may call it that, affect me.
I did what I had to do and gave it my all.

And yet I feel empty.
As though it was all a waste.

Sad.

whoa!

2008-10-21T23:47:00.003+08:00

last minute tickets to spend only one day in London - $4000
inexplicably booked hotel in London - $3750
knowing this all happened in a dream- priceless

Trashed...

2008-10-17T00:55:00.002+08:00

Back home.
Making some instant noodles as the tacos weren't enough.
I am trashed.

It is a nice place to be.
I am happy to be back in Sing. I am happy to be in my home. With my beloved.
But I am not happy at work.

The presidential debate is hard to follow. On CNN.
As an Indian I am only concerned with how it affects me. Or my country.

Does that make me small minded?
Good Night.

30 things

2008-10-01T13:00:00.003+08:00

30 thoughts I've put down in no particular order, with one bonus point- *free!

I like suddenly realising- when I am climbing a step, getting out of the lift, stepping off the bus...- that I am in sync with the music I am listening to. It feels good. It feels like a soundtrack. I sometimes even feel like a movie.

There is no reason for this messy hair. It just is. There is no larger purpose in not cutting it. I just am.

I like being inquisitive about the world. I don't like that I don't act upon it enough.

There are certain dreams whose tentacles grip ever firmer into the fantasy world they reside in.

I have many ideas.

I am selfish. But I don't think its in an evil way.

Its interesting to wonder which sacrifices one must choose to make. This exercise does not last very long as it often seems like the sacrifices that scare you the most are the ones you should make.

Working hard can feel really good. Not working hard is much better in theory than in reality.

I find it difficult to lie down and sleep if I am not passing out with sleep. I might be tired, but if my eyes are not borderline shutting, I find it tough to lie down and drift off.

I really like listening to music in a car as I drive.

I sometimes think of (I think sometimes that I must) do something exhilarating. Scary, even.

I now officially like whisky more than beer. I still love beer.

I think smokers are people too.

There are many talents I wish I had. A fair few skills. A number of abilities.

When it frustrates me, I see my mind as fickle. When it is sowing seeds, I think its rather fertile, eclectic.

I don't think my head necessarily needs a Core2Duo, just more RAM.

The word mediocre appeals to me.

If rebirth exists, is there any point if you can't remember previous lives?

I like the idea of others' shoes. They are interesting.

I don't like the idea of surrendering yourself to time. I like the idea of all powerful time.

I wish my Dad had stayed on just a few more years. Things happened that he deserved to enjoy.

I like cooking. I don't learn enough in it. I experiment, 'toss' things in a lot. I don't know the first thing about baking because we don't have an oven here.

I am grateful for the friends I have. Really. I am not always the best in nursing friendships though.

I like bookshelves.

I am Mr Comfort Zone.

When I was a kid I thought discipline meant waking up early, and studying. I was wrong, and typically have seen that when I am older and scattered.

I don't think I am materialistic. I like material things a lot.

I have a thought-tangent that suggests I am a couple of years behind. I don't know if that is 'lagging' or 'taking my time'.

I am an open book. I am a private person.

I am so glad my 'interests' section went from “the idea of travel” to “travel”.

I love a cool breeze.

singledom

2008-09-28T13:43:00.000+08:00

Its been a heck of a long time, but I think I might be a married man again soon.

Instead

2008-09-09T22:11:00.004+08:00

...instead, I write mundane updates.
...instead, though there are many thoughts The Simulacra threw up, my lazy mind somehow does not dwell on them clearly enough, or just plain enough.
...instead, the heavy head has a companion- a stiff, achy neck/shoulder.
...instead, we saw Singh is Kinng which was rubbish; Rock On a week later, on the other hand, was very enjoyable.
...instead, I spend another 10 minutes, er-another half hour, er-another hour on the laptop doing largely nothing of note.
...instead, I procrastinate.
...instead- though I was almost relieved to finally finish it- I felt odd, even oddly empty, that Sophie's World was over. I hope to follow up on its gentle prod, though.
...instead, I settle on writing a post that's neither here nor there...
Oh, well.

111.

2008-09-08T19:56:00.002+08:00

Hundred and Eleven days away from home.

Work carries on uninterrupted. I am hoping the flow is not interrupted 'coz that means I will be home that much sooner.

Meanwhile...
A close friend got married.
Another friend had a baby.

Much dancing in the Delhi heat happened. I love weddings. They are just so happy and chaotic. I love the dressing up. The dancing. The oily shaadi food. Though to be fair, this one didn't have the oily shaadi variety of food. Anyway much fun was had!

A came down for the wedding.
:)

I watched a friend perform a contemporary dance piece the other day. I don't understand contemporary dance.

But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the performance. The movements were fluid and beautiful. I had my own interpretation of what it all meant and I was way off mark. But that didn't matter. The Q&A session after the performance was meant to clear any confusion and explain the artist's point of view. Which was quite abstract I must admit, but nonetheless - I liked what I saw. To me contemporary dance is like Abstract art. You may not get the meaning behind the creation, or the creation itself, but you do come away with a certain mood. And that in itself is enough.

The Museum of Modern Art in Paris left A & me both stumped. I think I am more receptive to Modern or Abstract art as opposed to A, but even then I couldn't quite understand the three white blank canvases that were hanging on one exhibit wall.

Art is for art's sake is all very well. But in the end it should convey something to the viewer / observer - no? Even if it evokes merely a feeling in the one looking on.

One of those days...

2008-08-18T21:36:00.002+08:00

It started out ok. It really did. I was upbeat about work. About hopefully finishing work by September and being back in my own house. My own space.

But it's unlikely that'll happen. Now if I were to work at supersonic speed and round the clock without any external factors hindering my pace, I may be back in September.

Oh well.

A friend recently told me - Don't crib so much. And it made me think. Do I complain a lot? I plan to go through some of my earlier posts and check on that. I think I do. But then why should I feel guilty about it? Isn't it our birthright to whine and complain and be pissed off? I don't like being a sour puss but I just seem to be in this mode, where I am all - Whine. Whine. Whine.

A is coming to town. For a close friend's wedding. But all I can seem to think of is - How much time am I going to get with him??? Oh god here I go again. Whine. Whine. Whine.

I was never uncomfortable about being on my own. Alone I mean. But I find myself increasingly averse to the idea of being alone here in Delhi on Sunday. If there are no plans then I can see the day just stretch in front of me like this depressing, dark expanse.

Oh my god I thought the depressing D of college was dead and buried. Very sad that she is alive and kicking.

Why can't I think of interesting things to do by myself? Why do I always need to call and find out if I can meet some friend or the other? Why do I want to watch hours and hours of shit tv? All this just to fill up the day? So that the work week can start quickly and I get done with my project quickly and can go home (singland) quickly?

Sigh.

Being in office for 13 hours (from the looks of it!) doesn't help!

mumbai

2008-08-18T00:33:00.002+08:00

in Mumbai on work. hungry. exhausted. enjoying the work. keeping fingers crossed. nervous, but excited. hectic. Delhi for buddy's wedding in a few days....:)

sigh....

in the mood of lists...

2008-07-25T02:48:00.006+08:00

...here are 10 things about my last 10 days

- I saw The Dark Knight. First day last show. Outstanding. This is what most superhero movies now try to be, and won't. When do I see it again?
- Sammy was in town (well, actually still is). Good times and chat, over margeritas & wraps and dal makhni & much to say. Pity the weekend will be missed...
- Work is insanely frustrating at times. Actually, more the people- those who have sunk into the 'everything can happen at short notice, so now everything does happen at short notice' mode
- I am enjoying my (very slow) read of Sophie's World. My head continues to be like a sieve.
- We gave GK his bachelor night. It was explosive. :)
- Stumbled upon Martin Scorcese Presents the Blues, a 7 disc set with much promise, at the library. Promptly borrowed it. Tomorrow it shall be returned without having even seen the glow of my DVD player. Damn.
- I love Dexter. And missed the last episode. Likely to miss the next as well...
- Hancock was promising but eventually average. Wanted held much less of that first quality (in my eyes), but I had a blast watching it. Loved the attitude. And oh, the action is spectacular.
- My sleep cycle is completely out of whack.
- I had a blast with the Blahs. Much food, much liquid consumption and much, much talk.
- An eleventh, for good measure : I bought meself a cycle, and have cycled to office more than a few times! Now here's hoping that continues.

Adios.

I don't know if I have 32 teeth.

2008-07-17T15:13:00.003+08:00

I turned 32 recently. Oddly enough, I haven't given the number much thought.

I was obsessed about turning 30. Excited and oddly impatient. For the longest time I have believed that a woman truly comes into her own in her 30s. Many would disagree, but the subtle changes I have noticed in myself and the friends around me who are 30 (or more), have convinced me that one is more her own person in her 30s than in her 20s.

But I don't want to get into that right now. I would like to borrow "30 in 2005"'s idea of putting down 32 things to celebrate my burdey. 32 things about me, myself and D. Not very original of me. But that doesn't bother me. Thank you "30 in 2005"!

Ok so here goes -

1) I am 32 but I don't know if I have 32 teeth. The next visit to the dentist shall reveal all.

2) I am much calmer and less judgmental as a person but I have a long way to go before I reach where I would like to be as far as these two qualities are concerned.

3) I am inherently emotional about my friends and people I am close to, and am not apologetic about it. I love them to death and will not think twice before doing something for them.

4) I am an elephant when it comes to remembering insults or hurts. I find it hard to forget and forgive. An incident or a remark or a hurt will be carried in my heart like a prized possession. To be taken out from time to time and examined and thought about. I am trying to change this in myself but haven't done too well as yet!

5) I love mangoes and miss eating them in Sing. I had a mango everyday for the first 3 weeks of being in India. Am a bit mangoed out now, but will not refuse one if offered!

6) I love exclamation marks and try and use them as often as I can in messages and emails. My mood is mostly reflected in the number of exclamation marks used in what I write.

7) I am not a long distance relationship person. I have been apart for 58 days from A and it is hard. I wouldn't recommend a long distance relationship to anyone - if they have a choice. It is one of the hardest things I have been through in my life. I try not to think of it too much in case I have a mental shut down.

8) I love the smell of wet earth, just as it starts raining. But have not smelt it this time in Delhi. Not even once. My nose wasn't even blocked!!

9) Watching films is like food for me. I like to watch anything and everything except horror films. I have seen only one film in the hall this time and I am getting withdrawal symptoms.

10) Travelling with A is an addiction. I can't wait for my next trip. It may be a short one but it may happen soon. Like in the next 10 days!!!!!!

11) I love making lists. For anything. Daily to-do sort, party lists, places to travel, thoughts in my head.... pretty much anything. Am sure you get it!

12) This 32 things list is damn tiring.

13) I can't wait to cut my hair. Its been long for too long! It is lank and flat and not interesting. I am on the look out for a cool short hairstyle. Not too short though.

14) I miss my own space. Living with my mum is great and I am looked after, fed, loved but I miss my own bed, my room, my windows and the view outside...

15) I am clearer about who I am and who I want to be. I wasn't so in my 20s. I was eager to be someone for everyone. Change myself into different people to please everyone. I wasn't schizophrenic. But constantly worried about pleasing everyone. That's changed for sure!

16) I am a beach bum. I am a mountain baby. I am a beach bum. I am a mountain baby. I am a beach bum. I am a mountain baby. Sigh. I don't know.

17) I need to paint. Soon. I miss it. I need to do something with colours. Anything with colours would be fine.

18) I almost met Sachin Tendulkar. But it wasn't meant to be. I was weak kneed and excited at the prospect and all I wanted to do when I met him was get him to write - Dear A, Love (or whatever) SRT.

19) I was in a car that was rammed into by Abhishek Bachchan's security in Mumbai. Didn't get to see the star but got to hear some choice words from the guards!!! When the bang wasn't even our fault. Oh well.

20) Seriously this is very tiring.

21) I am not scared of death. As a concept. But am terrified of it in respect to people that I love. Don't think I will handle that very well.

22) I think about death. Not often but sometimes. It is a perverse sort of fantasy. I die and then I think about the lives of people who are around me. I don't die and someone really close to me does. How does my life change....

23) I like dark books. Sad writing has always appealed to me. Still does. I wrote appallingly bad morose prose/poetry in school and college. Hopefully I have thrown all of it and no one has to be subjected to reading it ever again.

24) I think I need glasses. My eyes fuzz over sometimes when I sit at the computer.

25) I love weddings and the dancing and the dressing up that goes with it. A close friend is getting married soon and I can't wait.

26) I want to take a holiday with a few of my close friends and it seems like a highly improbable dream. I want to try and make it happen over the next year or two for sure.

27) I am forcing myself to write stuff now and it's all dragging out now...

28) I wonder who all read this blog. I know one or two people definitely do...

29) Am flirting with the idea of getting a tattoo done. The pain factor puts me off and the fact that my mother in law hates the whole concept.

30) I want to be fit. I have done nothing to change my current unfit state though and it looks like I am not going to do anything for a while.

31) I will experiment with different things to eat but will not drink snake blood.

32) I am thinking about a change of profession.

Oh my god. What the hell was that????????????
Hats off to whoever bothers to go through this shite.

a worthy toast

2008-07-06T03:29:00.003+08:00

In the far distance, an evening from one year ago is repeated.
Almost.
The players shift, adjust, and I step out- into the overseas wings, left of stage.
Another steps in, muted entrance and sleepy demeanour.
One blows smoke, an apt substitute.
And the hosts live in content continuity, yet preparing for a new life.

Yamuna, Andheri, Mumbai, buddies.
Cheers from me and my Laphroaig.

a party

2008-07-04T23:12:00.003+08:00

Its been an interesting evening.

Towards the end of it, I was sitting waiting for an aloo kulcha to come and be my dinner. Beside me was a book I had bought. I had just spoken to friends, saying that the likelihood of my going to meet them at a cool bar was, at best, fifty-fifty. That was received with some surprise and much persuasion. The irony of the situation was delicious, because I was reading the introduction to a book called Party of One-The Loners' Manifesto.

As I ate, and read those pages, I could see the chances of me going to that bar slip away. It wasn't because I suddenly, specifically, saw reason to not go, nor because I saw validation of my reluctance. I just realised it wasn't happening; the reasons remained the same- I was tired, short on sleep and really didn't feel like it.
And it was quite the aftermint when I was teased on the phone a while later.The introduction had devoted an entire paragraph to terms like 'stuck-up'. :)

* * *

It was an unexpectedly chaotic day at work. I followed it up with a long postponed visit to Kinokuniya. Their month long member promotion finishes in two days. I had barely half an hour there, which was unfortunate. I couldn't get a decent edition of Dune, which I have heard/read about a few times now(there was only an ugly paperback, and I am put off by tacky looking books). I did pickup Sacred Games (largely because it was cheap); the above mentioned Manifesto and Confessions Of A Yakuza.

We've bought quite a few books in the last few months, and everytime I have wanted to post a gleeful pic of them, I haven't. Oh well.

* * *

I, by the way, am not suggesting that I am a loner. But I have a certain streak, and I know I have my days. That's all.

waking

2008-06-26T04:32:00.003+08:00

Its a friggin pain when you are up at 4.30am watching a cracker of a game in which Turkey is kicking ass against Germany in the Euro semis...and the pictures are on the blink! No pictures. The game has gone from 1-1 to 2-1 to 2-2, andI have misse it all (following on the net). Aaargh.

ok, we're back!

>> and Germany get the winner in the 90th minute. what a bloody shame.